SOL CORAZON

 

 

This story is dedicated to my friend Cullen G. who taught me everything I know about the internet and... all the places I shouldn't go but do:), who took me to all the gay bars in our city, when I first moved there, IN ONE WILD NIGHT. I love you, I miss you and I hope you finally realize how beautiful you are. In case you haven't noticed, I borrowed your name.

 

 

 

Cullen’s Fall

 

By Sol Corazon©

 

Freshly showered, the short, compact and well built guy entered the bedroom and watched as the kid, God; he couldn’t be more than twenty-one or two, greedily kissed his wife’s pretty pink mouth.  The kid was like a machine; he’d fucked them both tirelessly all of last night and was apparently ready for more this morning.

 

The boy was incredibly good looking with shoulder length, strawberry blond hair and a pair of unbelievable violet eyes he’d thought came courtesy of contacts but had been proven wrong. He was a big boy, 6’2, no probably 6’3 or 4, every long, lean muscular inch of him. There was an enticingly dangerous, hard edge to him.

 

His set up was pretty cool too. He had a nice basement apartment. It wasn’t in the best neighborhood but it was conveniently close to the bar they’d met him in last night.

 

              When he saw that they weren’t coming up for air, he interrupted, “Um, I couldn’t find a towel.”   

 

Reluctantly ending the moist, open-mouthed kiss he had been exchanging with the man’s petite, curvy wife, Cullen eyed the guy’s naked body lustfully and said, “Why don’t you bring that sweet ass of yours over here and I’ll dry you off with my tongue.”

 

With a broad smile, the guy, John or was it Jim? complied and eagerly joined the two of them on the bed. He began to play with Cullen’s hair as the boy licked and kissed every drop of wayward moisture he could find. Cullen trailed one hand up….Cindy’s…yeah, it was Cindy and Jim, left thigh and stroked her clitoris gently.

 

She gasped as Cullen suddenly thrust three fingers forcefully in and out of her moist vagina, while continuing to encircle her clit with his thumb. She raised her knees and spread her legs wider, while continuing to avidly watch Cullen’s mouth moving across her husband’s body.

 

Jim was softly groaning as Cullen kissed the sensitive skin between his thighs and fondled his engorged penis. Cullen leaned forward and swirled his tongue around the head.

 

“Suck it,” Jim said.

 

“Please.”

 

“Wait,” Cullen ordered.

 

He looked at Jim out of playful violet eyes, said, “Patience is a virtue,” and then enclosed the glans of Jim’s sturdy penis in his mouth and lashed it with his tongue.

 

Jim jerked convulsively and exclaimed, “Christ.”

 

Cullen continued to hold the tip of Jim’s cock in his mouth and began to jerk the shaft up and down skillfully. After a few moments playing with Jim’s cock, Cullen switched his attention to Cindy, wriggling his fingers in her pussy. She rocked on his fingers frantically.

 

“I want to see you swallow his cock like you did last night.” Cindy said. 

 

Cullen opened his mouth wider and engulfed Jim’s cock inch by excruciating inch. Jim and his wife watched eagerly, unbearably excited by the view of Jim’s hard penis in Cullen’s mouth.

 

“Oh God, I’m gonna cum,” Cindy shrieked.

 

Cullen played with Jim’s penis, sucking it gently and leisurely washing over the head with the flat of his tongue, while simultaneously thrusting his fingers towards the bottom of Cindy’s vaginal canal and spreading them wide.

 

He massaged the soft tissue of her vaginal walls and the smooth, curved hump of her cervix and rubbed against her swollen clit with the palm of his hand. Cindy arched her back and clenched her thighs around his hand.

 

“Right there, right there,” she cried. “Oh yesssss.”

 

She climaxed sharply as Cullen continued caressing her hot, wet cunt. When he removed his fingers, she collapsed back onto the bed and turned towards Jim, kissing him hungrily.

 

Cullen sank his mouth onto Jim’s cock until his lips were touching Jim’s gray and brown pubic hairs. He raised his mouth incrementally until his lips were barely touching the head. Jim groaned with disappointment when Cullen removed his mouth completely.

 

“Go grab a condom from that drawer over there,” Cullen requested. “The lube’s over there too. I want you to sit on my cock.”

 

Cullen lay flat on his back.

 

“C’mere you,” he told Cindy, pointing to his mouth, “sit right here.”

 

Cindy obeyed rapidly; sitting her pretty brown bush right over Cullen’s waiting lips. He sucked on her clit delicately, moaning into her cunt when he felt Jim’s fingers caressing his cock before applying a condom and lubricating it generously.

 

Cullen arched up into Jim’s anus when he felt the hot, moist entrance swallowing the tip of his cock, grabbing Cindy’s firm buttocks reflexively and grunting into her pussy. She was grinding her vagina all over Cullen’s face.

 

“God, that feels so good,” she said between rapid, panting breaths.  Jim reached around and pinched her nipples, hard, just the way she liked it and she climaxed again. Jim rose up and down steadily on Cullen’s cock, holding onto Cindy’s shoulders for leverage. His ass was so tight, so hot that Cullen thrust upwards determinedly, trying to capture every sweet rise and fall.

 

*************************************************

 

As he turned on the nebulizer machine, Shannon assessed his father’s deep burgundy brown coloring with an expert eye. His father’s complexion would have been identical to his own without the unhealthy grayish tint due to his illness. Not so bad today, he concluded. He double-checked to ensure that the mask was correctly positioned on his father’s face.

 

“Ok?” he asked.

 

His father nodded.

 

“I’m going to get the rest of your medicine and bring your breakfast up here.”

 

His father nodded again and closed his eyes wearily.  With gentle, practiced motions, Shannon’s muscular arms lifted his father and plumped the pillows behind him.

 

Once in the kitchen, he quickly prepared a cup of decaf and several pieces of buttered toast and jelly. He returned to his father’s bedroom just as the breathing treatment was nearing completion. He assisted his father with his medications and set up his breakfast tray so that everything he needed would be within reach.

 

“I’m going next door to work out with Cullen. The phone is right next to you and don’t forget to put your oxygen back on when you’re done eating.”

 

His father nodded, a rueful smile on his face.

 

“Am I acting like I’m your mama again?” Shannon teased.

 

“Yeah,” his father said in a raspy voice.

 

“Too bad,” Shannon said unapologetically. “I only got one Pop. See you in a few. I’ll be back to help you get dressed,” he called out, racing down the stairs on long, muscular legs.

 

He used his key to enter Cullen’s small basement apartment. He didn’t hear any movement. Assuming Cullen had overslept, Shannon quietly walked into Cullen’s bedroom. Cullen was on the middle of his king sized bed, crouched over some guy, fucking him while a woman sucked the guy’s cock.

 

Shannon stared, transfixed by the sight of Cullen’s long, thick penis rapidly going in and out of the guy’s ass. It must have felt good because the guy was moaning and groaning like crazy. Cullen suddenly noticed Shannon out of the corner of his eye and smiled at him wickedly. Cullen raised his arm and flashed five fingers, three times and motioned with his head towards his exercise room.

 

Shannon walked away on unsteady legs, entered the exercise room, closed the door and leaned against the wall. God, his heart hurt. He knew that Cullen had lovers. Cullen was a legend in their neighborhood: ‘Cullen’s like Mikey in that commercial from back in the day. Cullen’ll eat anything, fuck anything too.’

 

Shannon slid down the wall into a squat and buried his hot face in slender brown fingers. ‘Suck it up and chill,’ he told himself grimly. ‘This ain’t nothing new.’ Chest tight, he took a deep quavering breath and admitted to himself that he wanted to be the one on his knees, Cullen behind him fucking him like there was no one else on earth.

 

“Stop thinking, stop thinking,” he ordered himself.

 

Only...he could not get the picture of Cullen’s delicious body out of his head. The way he was moving. Controlled power and grace. Hair dark with sweat. Eyes hot and intense. Those eyes had captured Shannon when he was a kid and never let him go.

 

Shannon stood up, feeling as though the universe had shifted beneath his feet. On automatic pilot, he removed his shirt and started organizing the room for their workout. He was setting up the weights when Cullen entered the room.

 

“Hey baby, what up?” Cullen asked.

 

“Nada, man, just waiting on you,” Shannon replied quietly, keeping his back to Cullen. 

 

“Sorry ‘bout that man,” Cullen said, sincerely apologetic. “I didn’t even think to call you. They had to park in the alley. There weren’t any spaces out front last night.”

 

Noting the tense set of Shannon’s shoulders, Cullen walked over to him. When Cullen reached his side, Shannon could smell his fresh, clean, mouthwatering scent.

 

Stomach churning, Shannon thought frantically, ‘I am not ready for this now. I can’t handle this now.’ He was leaking. He could tell. All of the feelings that he had kept hidden and suppressed for so long were oozing out.

 

Concerned, Cullen moved in front of Shannon and looked into his eyes. “Is everything…”

 

His voice trailed off abruptly. The expression in Shannon’s dark brown eyes took his breath away and weakened his knees. Never in his life had anyone looked at him like…like they would die to have him, crawl over broken glass, walk through fire…like Shannon was looking at him now.

 

Hunger and desire were emanating from Shannon in waves of heat so intense and tantalizing that Cullen was irresistibly drawn to him. He felt as though he was immersed in white hot fire. Last night might never have happened. His cock was burning with lust. His hands slowly, carefully moved to Shannon’s bare shoulders and pulled him forward.

 

 Shannon was unresisting, defenseless with longing. Almost reluctantly, Cullen’s mouth moved towards Shannon’s. Torn between conflicting emotions, Cullen hesitated but didn’t stop. He had wanted this for too long. His lips touched Shannon’s soft mouth.

 

Shannon’s lips, full and soft, felt like heaven. This could not be happening. This was Shannon, best friend, brother. The sweet sensation of Shannon’s mouth beneath his had Cullen’s toes curling on the carpeted floor.  His cock flexed and strained beneath the towel wrapped around his waist. He expertly opened Shannon’s mouth with his and slowly invaded Shannon’s mouth with his tongue.

 

Shannon groaned helplessly and lightly touched Cullen’s arms, stroking up and down. Cullen’s skin was so creamy, so smooth. Like satin. When Cullen didn’t reject his first tentative caresses, Shannon moved his hands around to Cullen’s back, savoring the feel of Cullen’s taut muscles beneath his hands.

 

Cullen’s mind raced feverishly. ‘What the hell am I doing?’

 

Shannon felt Cullen begin to withdraw and whimpered in protest, sliding his fingers upwards and entwining them in the silken strands of Cullen’s hair. They both moaned in unison. God.

 

Cullen couldn’t stop himself now. He could not get enough of the honeyed taste of Shannon’s lips under his, Shannon’s tongue in his mouth, Shannon’s hands in his hair. He moaned and groaned uncontrollably into Shannon’s mouth, kissing him voraciously, clutching his shoulders in a bruising grip, straining to get even closer.

 

Shannon held Cullen’s head tenderly in his hands, lost in sensation, lost in Cullen. Cullen was grinding against him hungrily, his erect penis surging against Shannon’s thigh. Shannon’s hands slid out of Cullen’s hair, gliding down his chest to the towel at his waist.

 

“Most beautiful,” Cullen whispered against Shannon’s mouth.

 

Over the years, they had grown closer, as the few years between them lost importance. Now, they were best friends, everything to each other. At least, Shannon was everything to him.

 

It was the strangest thing. Cullen heard himself think something that he had never before allowed himself to acknowledge consciously. It was as if time slowed…then stopped. He watched himself, totally immersed in Shannon, open and vulnerable. And then…he shut down.

 

He reared back, tore his mouth away from Shannon’s and watched as Shannon, dazed with arousal, licked his lips and looked at him out of cloudy eyes. He groaned faintly and leaned towards Shannon’s mouth. He caught himself before he could resume their kiss. Heart racing with fear, breathing shallowly, he grabbed Shannon’s hand and guided it towards his rock hard cock.

 

“Is this what you want?” he spat out, voice cold and hard.

 

“You’re just like all the rest,” he said harshly.

 

“You want my cock right?  ‘Cullen will fuck anything.’ Right?” he finished bitterly.

 

Stricken and numb, Shannon’s face was stony and unreadable. A moment of heaven he had never imagined or expected, turned to fucking shit in five minutes. He forced frozen limbs to move and strode out of the room silently.

 

Cullen stood there, unwilling to think about what had just happened. He ignored the burning ache in his stomach, the heavy, unrelenting weight in the center of his chest. He pulled on a pair of sweat pants and proceeded to complete his workout, just as he would have done if Shannon had been there.

 

***************************************************

 

The 100 or so feet from Cullen’s house seemed like miles. Shannon felt like the skin had been peeled away from his body, one layer at a time; his deepest, most vulnerable self had been revealed and was unwanted. He entered his house and released a gasping sob of relief. Eyes dry and burning, he wrapped his arms around himself and doubled over with a pain so intense that he had to bite his lip to keep from crying out.

 

“Shannon is that you?” his father queried in a quavering voice.

 

“Yes, Pop, it’s me,” Shannon replied, voice breaking.

 

He inhaled in and released the breath slowly. ‘Hold it together,’ he instructed himself quietly and then called out, “I’ll be up in a sec.”

 

He bathed and dressed his father efficiently, automatically following the morning routine they had established over the many years of his father’s illness. James Wright searched his son’s drawn face with troubled eyes. He was a handsome man in spite of his illness. Shannon looked just like him, only a thousand times better, he would always joke, laughing when Shannon blushed.

 

“Everything ok, son?” he probed, knowing even before he asked that Shannon was so protective of him that he would never burden him with any of his problems. Still, James felt that he had to make the attempt to reach him and help him if he could.

 

“Yeah, Pop,” Shannon replied, voice deliberately casual.

 

“I’m sick son, not dumb,” James said, his frustration evident. “I can tell something is wrong,” he continued, beginning to wheeze as his anxiety increased.

 

“Pop…Pop,” Shannon said, leaning his father forward into a position that would help him to breathe easier.

 

“It’s all good. Look, it’s just school. I have a couple of papers due that I gotta work on and I’m a little worried about that and my work hours. That’s all,” Shannon insisted.

 

James looked intently into Shannon’s eyes, dark like bittersweet chocolate, so loving and concerned.

 

“Don’t protect me,” James rasped. He grabbed Shannon’s hand.

 

“You’re a good boy. You know I love you. No matter what. No matter what,” he said again emphatically.

 

Shannon smiled at him. “Yeah, I know, Pop. I love you too. Look, the phone is right next to you. I put your lunch next to you too. Make sure you drink your water. All of it.”

 

James rolled his eyes and sighed.

 

Shannon continued, “Mom will be home around three today. I have to work right after school. I’ll probably see you this evening when I get home, if you’re still awake.”

 

As James sighed again, Shannon said, “Ok, ok, I’ll get out of your way, I’m going to go get ready.”

 

Shannon exhaled with relief as he entered his bedroom, drained by the effort it took to behave normally. He lay down on his bed and crossed his arms over his eyes. He had learned at a very young age to conceal and suppress his emotions. As a young child, he had been constantly admonished, ‘Shhhh, your father’s resting. Stop crying, it will upset your father. Go play outside. Stop making all that noise.’

 

Emotion stole his father’s breath, just like death was stealing his life in slow, heartbreaking increments. Their household was a loving one, but eerily quiet most of the time. Every aspect of their family life held an accommodation to his father’s illness.

 

Maybe that’s why he loved the noisy, boisterous O’Briens. There was crazy life in their house. They had acted like he was one of them from the start. Cullen’s younger brothers, Niall and Quinn, had seen him sitting on his front porch shortly after his family had moved next door to them. 

 

He was four years old, just about to turn five. They had come over to invite him to play with them and he had been absorbed into the family. Peggy, Cullen’s mom, always said that she had fallen in love with him at first sight. ‘I’m gonna have to adopt you,’ had been her first words to him.

 

An only child, he was fascinated by them. They all looked alike, beautiful, blond haired, blue eyed and of varying complexions due to the different ethnic backgrounds of their fathers. The O’Brien house was the ‘kid house’ and there was always something fun going on there.

 

When Shannon first started hanging out with Niall and Quinn, Cullen had been a “Big Boy,” Niall and Quinn’s revered older brother. Cullen would do anything for his brothers and sisters. They thought of him more as a father than as an older brother.

 

When Shannon was around twelve years old, Quinn, who was older than Niall and he, discovered girls. He stopped playing around with Niall and Shannon. When Quinn discovered girls, Shannon suddenly realized that he had no interest in girls in a romantic or sexual way. He and Niall continued their jerk off sessions without Quinn and started going further.

 

Their sexual exploration was fun and playful. They tried just about everything except for anal sex. That didn’t feel right to either one of them. Other than that, they did everything they read and heard about. Niall liked to be tied up. Shannon did it because Niall asked but wasn’t really turned on by it. And he most definitely did not want Niall to do it to him.

 

Things changed between Shannon and Cullen around this time. Shannon and Niall were on their way to the corner store and encountered Cullen about to leave the house with some of his friends. Niall asked Cullen to come with them.

 

Cullen had a look of pleased surprise on his face. Sometimes he was scared that his brothers and sisters would resent him. He always had to be the disciplinarian of the family. Their mother was either working or tired from working; it also just was not in Peggy’s nature to discipline anyone. He looked at Shannon and asked, “You want me to come too?”

 

That simple moment held a significance for Shannon that he never forgot. It was as if he were seeing Cullen for the first time. Those intense purple blue eyes held his for an endless instant of time in which it seemed as though his response was of immeasurable importance. Shannon melted. He nodded his head yes. “Cool,” Cullen had responded. He told his friends he would catch them later.

 

Shannon and Niall remained as close as ever. But now, wherever Cullen was, you could be sure to find Shannon. Cullen never became impatient with the adoring twelve year old. Not even when his friends teased him about it.

 

Cullen would often accuse Shannon of thinking too much. Whenever Cullen came up with one of his impulsive ideas, Shannon was always the voice of reason. When Cullen came up with the idea for a weekly flea market to help his mother pay for her car insurance, Shannon helped him organize and put it together.

 

After they found a beat up motor bike on the side of the road during one of their searches for merchandise for the flea market and painstakingly restored it to good health, it was Shannon who made them wait until they could save up and take it to a mechanic before they rode it. He also made them wait until they were able to purchase helmets.

 

When Shannon turned sixteen, Cullen snuck Niall and Shannon into The Shack. He had fake ID’s for the three of them, courtesy of his little brother Dyllan’s friend Lacey’s mother. Cullen joked that Shannon was the nicest drunk he had ever met.

 

Sweet natured Shannon became even more cute and quiet and sweet with each sip of alcohol. As they were walking home, Cullen had looked at him and said musingly, “Sweet sixteen and never been kissed.”

 

Niall smirked and said, “Oh he’s been kissed. He’s definitely been kissed.”

 

“Not by me,” Cullen had teased. He pulled Shannon to him and lightly kissed him on the lips. “There you go.”

 

Shannon had stood there for a few seconds, eyes closed, as Cullen continued walking. When he realized that Shannon was not walking with them, Niall had turned around, taken a quick look at his face and groaned. He jogged back to where Shannon was standing.

 

“Now you really got it bad,” Niall had uttered in a laughing whisper. “C’mon bro. Let’s get your little sweet sixteen ass home.”

 

That’s when Shannon had stopped playing with Niall. That’s when he realized he did not want anyone to make love to him but Cullen. He and Cullen had become close so gradually, that now he was afraid that if he revealed to Cullen how deep his feelings actually were, that it would change things. Ruin them.

 

If Cullen was not working or in school, he and Shannon were in the basement apartment Peg had fixed up for him on his thirteenth birthday. By that time, Cullen was providing almost as much income to the family as Peg was; he was a hustler. He was too young to actually hold a job, but he always found work he could do and get paid for under the table.

 

If Cullen were playing, he would have his lover of the moment park in the front of the house so that Shannon would know to wait until the car was gone to come over. He had given Shannon the one extra key he had made and Shannon treated Cullen’s apartment as a second home. Now, the friendship that he cherished so much was destroyed. All because he could not keep his feelings to himself. He knew how Cullen was. Cullen never allowed anyone but his family to get close.

 

Over the years, Shannon had repeatedly observed Cullen pushing people away when they tried to get too close. Other than his brothers, he had few close friends. Shannon could count them all on one hand. Selena, his mother’s ex-boyfriend, Joaquin and Shannon.

 

Shannon resolved to focus on work and school. If he wanted, he could work extra hours; they were always requesting help at his part-time job where he worked as a customer service rep. The staff turnover was tremendous.

 

*****************************************

 

How do you fix it when you have hurt the one person who means everything to you? His mother was constantly telling him, ‘Baby, you are just like me. Heat up fast, cool down fast. But you gotta watch what you say. Words hurt worse than fists.’ His younger brother Niall was the same way: always getting into trouble because of his big mouth.

 

The real problem was, he couldn’t understand why he had reacted like that. Touching Shannon was like a dream. He had never even allowed himself to think of Shannon in that way. Even that time when he had kissed Shannon, for his sixteenth birthday.

 

After it was over, he had made himself forget about how sweet it had felt. He’d felt so stupid. The minute he had said, ‘Sweet sixteen and never been kissed,’ he had realized that he had been waiting for an excuse to touch Shannon. If he really let himself think about it, he had been burning for Shannon ever since that kiss.

 

As a matter of fact, when Shannon was around fifteen, Cullen’s friend Selena had asked him why they never included Shannon in their play. Cullen hadn’t even wanted to respond to that. He had told her curtly, ‘He’s just a kid. Even if he is the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen.’ Selena had raised her eyebrows but had not commented further.

 

Every so often, whenever Selena was around the two of them together, Cullen would catch her watching them with a strange look on her face. She would never explain why. She would just ask him, “ Is Shannon still the most beautiful boy you’ve ever seen?” When he would answer with a brief, impatient, “Yes,” she would smile at him mysteriously. Cullen hated that and she would laugh at him when he told her so.

 

Now, Cullen was living up to his reputation. When he wasn’t working he was playing. It wasn’t the same. He had always been driven by an almost insatiable sex drive. He loved to give and receive pleasure. Now, he was using sex as an anesthetic, to make him forget. It held very little pleasure. When his mother tried to talk with him about the very obvious estrangement from Shannon, she was met with stony silence. When his brothers and sisters asked him about Shannon, Cullen would respond, “Ask him.”

 

A couple of months drifted by. Cullen was scared to call Shannon and knew that Shannon was too stubborn to call him. He found himself hovering around windows in the upstairs part of the house, desperately trying to catch glimpses of Shannon.

 

When Cullen did see him, the grief stricken look on Shannon’s face destroyed him. Shannon looked drawn and fragile. And so sad.

 

How could he have said all of those things? No matter what he was doing, he had flashbacks of the look on Shannon’s face that day. He and Shannon had never even argued before. Missing Shannon was a constant, gnawing ache in his chest. He knew that Shannon would probably never call him. The first move was going to have to come from him.  He had to do something; he couldn’t let Shannon out of his life.

 

When he was twelve years old, Cullen had made a vow to never hurt anyone, and to never allow himself to be hurt, ever again. He remembered Shannon at twelve. Following him around like he was Something Special. Whenever Cullen would look at him Shannon would smile. He had the sweetest smile Cullen had ever seen. It would start in his eyes and light up his entire face.

 

How was he going to fix this? He didn’t know how to get Shannon to forgive him.

 

The other day, Cullen had finally realized that Shannon had adjusted his entire schedule so that he could avoid running into him. Cullen decided to go to work late and sat on his front porch waiting for Shannon to appear.

 

Shannon walked towards his front door and stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed Cullen. Hiss heart clenched painfully. Their eyes met for an endless moment.

 

 

 “Hey,” Cullen said softly.

 

“Hey,” Shannon responded then raced up the front porch steps and quickly let himself into the house.

 

Cullen looked at the space where Shannon had just been. “Shit.” He briefly considered pursuing him and discarded that idea. He’d have to think of something else.

 

Shannon locked the door behind him and stood there, heart hammering wildly in his chest. He couldn’t believe that he had just run away like that. “I am seriously losing my mind,” he said aloud.

 

That night, as was becoming customary for him, Cullen awakened expecting to find Shannon sleeping next to him. On many occasions, if it were getting late, instead of going home, Shannon would sleep over. Tonight Cullen had a dream so vivid that waking up alone without Shannon there had been unbearable.

 

Alone, desolate, in the dark, at three am, there was no escaping the very concrete absence of Shannon. Now, there was no one to see that he wasn’t the strong one, the tough one, the one who could always take care of everything.

 

All of the hurt, all of the misery that he kept trying to run away from, exploded out of him in noisy, racking sobs. Cullen wiped furiously at the tears flowing from his eyes. If he wanted Shannon back in his life, he was going to have to make the first move, the second move, how ever many moves it took to get Shannon to forgive him. He reached for the phone.

 

Shannon picked up on the first ring.

 

“Can you come over now?” Cullen asked in a subdued voice. Stomach fluttering with dread, he couldn’t interpret the silence that seemed to last forever.

 

After a few moments, Shannon answered hoarsely, “Ok, I’ll be there in a few.”

 

Shannon knocked on the door, unwilling to use his key. Cullen opened the door and said softly, “I gave you that key for a reason.” He reached for Shannon’s hand to pull him inside and dropped his hand awkwardly when Shannon flinched away.

 

They sat on the small loveseat in the area Cullen liked to call his den.

 

“Shannon,” Cullen said, then paused, throat aching.

 

Shannon looked at him and then away. He hadn’t looked directly at Cullen since he had come inside. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he said abruptly.

 

“I just want,” Cullen started again. A jolt of fear reverberated through him as Shannon stood up.

 

“I can’t talk about it now Cullen.”

 

Cullen stood up next to him, prepared to prevent him from leaving. “Please, sit down,” Cullen requested.

 

Shannon acquiesced reluctantly.

 

“I’m sorry,” Cullen apologized. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He stopped, at a loss. Words were so unbelievably inadequate right now.

 

There was an awkward silence. Cullen looked at Shannon, admiring his dark, dramatic beauty. Thick heavy eyebrows. Deep, mysterious, chocolate brown eyes surrounded by a thick fringe of long, jet black lashes. Long African nose. Full, precisely curved, mocha brown lips. His gleaming, deep burgundy brown skin was so soft and smooth.

 

Cullen looked at Shannon with grim determination, through eyes still slightly red and swollen with tears. He was not letting Shannon leave. He was not gonna let him go, ever. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

 

Tense with nerves, Shannon held himself stiffly, arms folded across his chest protectively. Why had he bothered to come? He should have stayed home. It would be better for both of them if they just let this go. The crazy thing was, that as soon as he walked into the door, he had felt like he was right where he belonged.

 

Cullen edged closer to him. “God, you are so fucking stubborn,” he said gruffly, grabbing Shannon’s chin and trying to turn his head towards him.

 

Shannon resisted his efforts. Cullen straddled Shannon’s hips and looked down at him, patient and implacable.

 

“I can be just as stubborn as you are. I’m not moving ‘til you talk to me or at least look at me.”

 

They sat there in uneasy silence. Cullen hovered over Shannon, obviously prepared to remain there for as long as it took for Shannon to relent. Sometimes Shannon thought he knew Cullen better than Cullen knew himself. He wasn’t even really mad at Cullen. He had known how Cullen would react if he ever showed him how he really felt. He just didn’t know if he could handle being so close to Cullen now and pretend that he didn’t have those feelings. But, he didn’t think he could let Cullen go. He had been dead without him. After an eternity, he pushed at Cullen, “Alright, you idiot, get off me.”

 

Cullen was weak with relief. “No,” he taunted. “I’m just getting comfortable. I think I’ll stay here.”

 

“I don’t know about you,” Shannon said, “but I’m tired. It’s what, four o’clock in the morning? I still can’t believe that I actually got out of bed to come over here at four o’clock in the morning.”

 

Shannon finally looked at Cullen for the first time since he had arrived. The faint smile on his face disappeared as he noted Cullen’s puffy, reddened eyes. Their eyes held for a long moment.

 

“C’mon,” Shannon said. “Let’s go to sleep. I still can get a couple of hours before school.”

 

They settled into Cullen’s bed. Exhausted, after so many nights of being unable to sleep, Shannon drifted off immediately, feeling comforted by Cullen’s presence.

 

Cullen lay there quietly, too relieved and full of conflicting emotions to sleep. He slept off and on, awakening once to find Shannon curled around him. Slowly, gently, cautiously, he leaned forward and kissed Shannon on the forehead. He could not prevent the sudden thought, ‘I love you.’ He carefully disentangled himself, turned over and fell back asleep.

 

****************************************

 

Later the next evening when Shannon came over, Cullen started talking as they were zoning in front of the television. “You remember when Joaquin lived here right? You were real little and Mom has had what, maybe twenty boyfriends since then,” he joked. “It was right before you started second grade, I think,” he added trying to refresh Shannon’s memory.

 

“I remember” Shannon said. “How could I ever forget? The first time I saw him I thought he was trying to kill you.” He conjured the memory of Joaquin slashing at Cullen with a knife and Cullen’s determination to avoid the blade. He had been scared to death until Niall reassured him that it was ‘just practice.’

 

“Well, when Joaquin left, we were all so miserable. Mom was totally fucked up, the younger kids didn’t really get it, they were just miserable because we were.” Cullen paused, not really sure if he wanted to continue. Shannon remained quiet, listening intently.

 

“Joaquin was the only father I knew. When he moved in with Mom, I had just started school. I was the only white kid in the class and my mom was living with a Mexican. So, I was constantly getting my ass kicked.”

 

Cullen stopped for a minute. He hated to think about it. Hated to talk about it, even though it was Shannon. He had to talk about it though. He wanted Shannon to understand him. Understand why he was so fucked up.

 

“The first couple of times it happened, he didn’t say anything. The third time, I came home with blood everywhere. I tried to get myself cleaned up so my mom wouldn’t find out. Joaquin came to my room while I was taking all of my clothes off.

 

He just looked at me, like he was trying to figure me out. Finally, he said, ‘You too pretty ain’t chu? That’s why chu getting you ass kicked, anh Cullen?’ His accent was pretty strong then and I could barely understand him.”